Thursday, 31 May 2012

Maldives, manta,s and mossies!!!

Hello interweb old friend, it's your ex popping by for a cuppa to make sure your ok and maybe have a post breakup fumble and then swear it will never happen again.
I am currently sat outside my wee villa on the tiny island of Embudu just south of Male in the Indian Ocean.
It's been pissing it down all morning but is starting to brighten up. 30 degrees and humid.
Damn fine coffee in this place.
The island appears to be a favourite of the Germans but is currently about half the usual occupancy rate which is fine by me.
They do seem to take the piss out of themselves actually as I have seen towels with the word "reserved" written all over it. True to form I was up at 05.45 yesterday to go for a snorkel with Jono and Lou and the Germans already had taken over most of the loungers. Lol.
Pmsl, my phone spell checker thing has just suggested did I want to use the word "German" or "Herman".
Been bitten a few times by mossies that nearly took a limb to be honest. Reminded me of the monty python sketch.
Not seen any mantas yet but a few people have so fingers crossed.
The whole island is very low key and chilled out which is just what the doctor ordered. No tv, proper no news no shoes place.
The monsoon rains that hit everyday are something to behold, seriously looks like a hurricane with horizontal rain for ten minutes arrives out of nowhere then gone just as fast.
The staff are all very friendly and despite mass confusion on arrival in the restaurant due to Fi myself and Jono and Lou all wanting to sit together. " what, English people wanting to sit together and be sociable" lol.
The sand is proper soft and after day one I havnt even bothered with footwear it's great. Our room boy is a top laugh as well, he sits in the chair suspended from the tree outside our room swinging about wildly like a three year old till we emerge then jumps up and tries to be all professional.
Well the sun appears to be trying to make an entrance so I will put my clothes back on interweb and bid you a guilty feeling fair well:)

Peace out y'all, THE BAGSTAXXX

Monday, 14 May 2012

V5, Kleptomania and Goodbye Interweb!!!

Hello interweb, It is a fine bright day if not a little bit breezy out there today.
I would like today to start with a very nice e-mail I received off a friend called Tony, we met him when we were on holiday in Aruba and drank with him most evenings and Tony and his wife Tracy joined us for dinner on several occasions.
Hi Gary
 Hope your both well,just thought i would drop you a line just to let you know after talking with you and what you did to combat your high blood pressure,after Christmas i decided i wanted to do something about my weight and have shed 3 stone and my bmi is down 4.0 and still able to have my comfort food and drink :) thanks to you.”

To think that I have had a positive influence on another person is for me quite shocking if I'm honest. I mean lets face it, as I have had pointed out to me on several occasions I vomit petulance like it is going out of fashion and generally piss and moan about everything I possibly can. Maybe its because I was on holiday and I wasn’t quite so orrible. Anyway, the e-mail put a smile on my face for once.
Was working Sunday at the hospital and spent most of the shift on visits with the lovely Dr Ridsdale, the time passes so much quicker when your out and about with a nice Doctor.
My corrected V5 document hit the doormat this morning and I eagerly opened it up to find out what they had cocked up this time and I wasn’t to be disappointed.
All fine except that I must have written the capital E at the end of Bagshawe in invisible ink as it appears to be missing that letter on my name. I think I will settle for it as is rather than risk any more monumental cock ups as this one has gone on for a while now.
Maybe I'm just too picky or I expect too much from people or maybe I'm just not English enough to accept crap.
One thing I do know is that I have given the lawn which is now mostly moss it’s first cut of the year and this exercise has thrown my back out and so now I'm having difficulty bending from the waist to pick stuff up etc.
The windows are pretty much in now with only two cracked pieces of glass which will be replaced and most of the plaster on the inside has fallen off and we are still living in a building site but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, when we reach it there will probably be a sign telling us to please switch off the light before leaving.
In other news “It has Begun” my life as a BT advert started today. Mum called to inform me that her router etc had arrived so I called round to set it all up for her. She reliably informed me that her line had been ready for about a week now so I was a little surprised that the broadband light would not turn from orange to blue. After 20 minutes on the phone to BT and line checks etc the BT chap informed me that the line was only made ready today and it could take up to 24 hours before it could be used for broadband.
If this was mums revenge for me walking into the shop and asking her if she had got over her kleptomania yet in front of the shop owner I was not laughing.
Well interweb We will be on a beach in the Maldives this time in 2 weeks time and to be honest it cant come soon enough for me. 3 shifts at the hospital left and a few invoices to send out and were outa here.
And so it comes to pass interweb that I fear I may have to split up with you. Not just because of the holiday or anything really.
You see it’s not you it’s me. Really you have done nothing wrong but I fear we must go our separate ways. You have served your purpose on my mission to stop smoking without exploding and a great job you have done too but I'm afraid our little affair is over.
I may call in when I'm passing to say hi like an old boyfriend but for the most part I will bid you farewell.
So I will come to some drivel for the last time old friend,
Hold a true friend with both hands, and if you remember nothing else from my ramblings remember this one thing which is that you're beautiful, so don't let other people tell you that you're not just because you don't look like the people in magazines. Or because you're not that weird ideal body image that's out there right now.
Goodbye for now,
Peace out y'all, THE BAGSTAXXX

Friday, 11 May 2012

Gaming, Zombies and borderline mental case!!!

Good afternoon interweb and how are we today? As usual I will give you a quick weather update to keep things British, It is blowing a bloody gale out there today and is generally not the type of day to go outside and do much other than pick up the things that have blown over.
Had a total blast last night on MW3 with the EUK lot, about 18 or so in a private lobby for well over an hour playing all the different game types. New kill streaks have been decided, 15 kills gets you franread on your team for 1 minute, 5 deaths in a row get you bagsta69 on your team for a minute.
Played a few games in public lobbies after midnight on the new maps which are fantastic fun.
Blackops 2 is due out in November and I'm sure it will turn up with a zombie mode as well.
 This brings me round to the following information which you may or may not be aware of. If a zombie bit a human and turned them into a zombie and then this carried on, due to the fact that zombies multiply exponentially it would take a mere 38 days to turn the whole planet into a planet of zombies. I already have filed the film rights.
I am still at war with China at the moment due to some stupid bint called “Emma” who seems to think I came down with the last fall of leaves and have the IQ of a flip flop. Well “Emma”, I'm locked and loaded and ready to give you both barrels and a block of c4.
This lack of tolerance towards stupid people and practises and ways of doing things is beginning to manifest itself in some sort of borderline mental illness, according to Fi it is anyway.
We went to Tesco’s to pick up wine and spent over £50.00 so we got 5 pence off per litre of fuel so around I went to the Tesco petrol station.
Two of the pumps on the right hand side were empty so up I pulled, got out opened the tank and grabbed the filling thing.
 The pump then bleeped at me and gave me the option to pay at the pump.
But I didn’t want to pay at the pump as I had  voucher to redeem which you can’t do at the pump.
I pressed a few buttons as blokes do in these matters and it still simply beeped at me and gave me the option to pay at pump. My brow became furrowed and then a voice in a brummy accent came over the forecourt speaker informing me that that pump was pay at the pump only and to insert my card.
Insert my card? Ill insert my boot up your arse ya brummy twat.
Besides I wanted to redeem my voucher so I got back in the car and reversed up to the pump behind which was also a pay at the pump only pump. What is the fekking point in that, really?
So I did what any borderline mental patient would do, I got back in my car and drove off swearing to never let Tesco petrol stations ever have a penny of my money again, I informed Fi that I would rather shove live wasps up my arse than give them one bloody penny of my money ever again. It’s about 5 pence cheaper from Shell anyway and probably better quality so there.
I told you, borderline mental.
I really neeeeeeed this holiday.
Anyway I’m working till 01.00 hours tomorrow morning so that should keep me out of trouble, so here is some drivel, Just because you have done right, does not mean that you get to feel right and the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimetre bullet.
Peace out y'all, THE BAGSTAXXX

Wednesday, 9 May 2012

Singing, a universe made of dough and incompetence!!!

Good afternoon interweb, we will start as usual with a quick weather update, it shite, rain is imminent and it is generally depressing looking out of the window.
I have not been gaming too much of late, life has generally got in the way but last night I managed to meet up with Bev (Alex) and Maria for a few rounds of MW3.
I forgot how much fun it was gaming with them two loons you know. Had a mix of game types, team death match, domination and demolition etc. I think I was singing on underground whilst shooting the crap out of the enemy. No encores were requested so singing is obviously not one of my forte’s.
Top laugh although I have no idea how Maria manages to play with  Misha’s snoring volume turned up to 11.
The connections were reasonable till about half past midnight when the magic switch was flicked and the connection went down the crapper.
As regular visitors here know I often wonder about the universe and it’s contents and this on occasions gets me to thinking about stuff and trying to explain it in a way even I could understand.
You see that thinking thing has been going on again and I would like if I may, to try to explain what an expanding universe means and how it does it.
You see in previous posts I have explained how we know that the universe is expanding by looking at the red light from distant stars. The light is red because the light has a long wave length meaning that it is moving away from us, much like the sound of a train whistle as it goes away from you is in the long wave length.
So we know that the universe is expanding but what does that actually mean?
It is very difficult to explain but I will try, you see it isn’t actually expanding so much as it is stretching. A bit like a sheet of rubber or a balloon inflating.
The best way to look at it is to imagine a massive lump of dough, you know the stuff you make bread out of. OK so we have the dough, now throw in a handful of raisins to take the place of galaxies.
Now if we put this dough in the oven and heat it up a bit the dough expands and the raisins  move apart from one another in much the same way as galaxies move away from each other in the universe as it expands but here’s the clincher, whilst the raisins are moving away from one another they are in fact still in the same place relative to the dough. They are still next to the very same bit of dough as they were before it started to expand.
OK so now your head has probably exploded if you have half a brain as you suddenly begin to realise how all this shit works so I will give you a minute to put it all back together.
Right then now we have that principle firmly entrenched in your grey matter let us look at the distance between two galaxies.
Traditionally this would simply mean clipping one end of a tape measure to one galaxy and then heading on to the next a reading off the measurement as the other galaxy heads away from us.
However looking at this in the correct way and using the dough and raisins way of looking at things the tape measure will not actually read any different as the galaxies move further apart.
When you release the tape measure and it comes back in with a manly clunk you will notice something a little strange has happened.
Due to the stretching of space your tape measure will also have stretched and when you compare it to one you had in your tool box the markings will be twice as far apart.
Now this is pretty much what happens to light as it travels between galaxies, it gets stretched and thus it enters the red part of the spectrum. This is what leads us to see redshifted light when we look at faraway galaxies, and it is measurements of this redshift that allow us to estimate the distances to these galaxies.
Right then I think that is more than enough head f#####g for one day so here is some drivel, I have come to realise over the years that I am merely competent. But in an age of gross incompetence, that makes me an extraordinary person and if you grasped even a tiny amount of what is written above then you too are quite an extraordinary individual, and so whilst we are still capable of thinking remember that sometimes you can get so anaesthetised by your own pain or your own problems that you don't quite fully share the hell of someone close to you.
Peace out y'all, THE BAGSTAXXX

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

Lay in, Noise and suffering from a mental illness!!!

Good afternoon interweb, although I fail to see what is so good about it apart from the fact that it isn’t raining.
I had planned to have a bit of a lay in this morning but the powers that be decided that this was not a good idea and made pretty damn sure that I would rise earlier than planned and suffer.
At around 07.00 hours the bin men joyfully came down the road making more noise than is really necessary at that hour of the day shouting at one another about the exploits of their relative bank holiday weekends and raising the level so that they could be heard through the ear protection equipment they were wearing.
The noise levels once again increased at both 07.20 and 07.45 hours when different car alarms decided to burst into song which started to raise my blood pressure just a little.
The arrival of the scaffolding to one of the neighbours houses 3 doors down at 08.05 hours did nothing to stem my ever increasing blood pressure and at 08.20 when the bus came down the road and couldn’t get past the scaffolder's waggon the driver decided to lean on his horn until they returned to move their waggon. Unfortunately for my lay in this took around a further 2 minutes of screaming from the bus horn.
Fi told me to breath at this point to help alleviate the building pressure.
At 08.35 the men from the council came marching down the road with the motorised grass cutters, again shouting very loudly at one another so they could be heard through the ear defenders they were wearing, this would not have been so bad had they not decided to stop outside our house and have a conversation although I use that word advisedly as they were simply shouting across the street at one another.
At 09.05 my lay in was brought to it’s conclusion by the arrival of the postman hammering on the door with a parcel for Fi.
Defeated I got up and made coffee and wandered into mission control to check on e-mails and start the week.
Being unable to log into my personal BT e-mail account (it had been hacked over the weekend but I had changed the password) I called BT, after 6 and a half minutes pressing option 123 or 4 I eventually got to speak to Brian form Milton Keynes although he sounded more like Asif from Deli to me and he informed me that because my e-mail address had been used to send out a lot of spam that they had disabled it. With not so much as a by your leave or call to me they had disabled my e-mail address.
Stressed Eric does not even come close, and so if the person who keeps sending me the text jokes by the bucket load doesn’t stop soon I will explode, really 2 or 3 will do.
I am currently deciding if it is safe or not to let me loose on an unsuspecting public or not, if you want to know how I deal with this sort of situation on a nearly daily basis I call it “suffering from a mental illness as there is no way I would manage if I was not, and so as I mull over the decision as to unleashing myself to the world I will leave you with some drivel, alcohol. Like a true friend, you replace the anger with better, louder anger and I have found over the years that love is like an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.
Peace out y'all, THE BAGSTAXXX

Monday, 7 May 2012

Emma, Stop the Earth and inflicting myself upon the public!!!

Good afternoon interweb, happy bank holiday Monday!!! Last year we went on a marathon pub crawl and survived but due to work commitments we are unable to attend this year’s frivolities.
I am currently in an e-mail “discussion” with a lady from China called Emma, make of that what you will.
Emma seems to think that I came down with the last fall of leaves and am a bit thick.
I purchase from her UK distributor an underwater housing for my upcoming trip. After a few days I am informed that the model I ordered was sent back to them damaged and would I like a free upgraded model instead as they had no more of that model available? Well ok then.
The item arrived and I discovered a split in the edge which is never good for underwater operation and to be honest the quality was not really there.
I checked online and discovered that there were actually at least 10 of the original cases available but the price was nearly double what I had paid. I’m sure by now the slightly more astute of you have worked out as I did what was going on.
I sit tied to my pc like a pregnant farther awaiting Emma’s reply to my last communication.
In other news I have been thinking yet again, twice in as many days. The end of the world as we know it can’t be far away.
Yesterday I was musing about the planet slowing down in its rotational department kind of thing.
This got me to thinking about what would happen if the planet actually stopped spinning.
If it stopped spinning suddenly it would be a really bad day at hanging rock. You see the Earth revolves at around 1000 mph at the equator and if the Earth suddenly stopped, you, me, them, everybody (cue the music) the atmosphere, buildings everything on the surface of the planet would suddenly be flung (is that even a word) into the air at 1000 mph. Messy!
If the Earth slowly just kind of ran out of steam and stopped then it wouldn’t be nearly as bad but it would cause a few issues.
In this scenario  One half of the Earth would be in daylight for half the year while the other side would be in darkness. The second half of the year it would be reversed. Temperature variations would be far more extreme than they are now. The temperature gradient would also affect the wind circulation.. Air would move from the equator to the poles rather than in wind systems parallel to the equator as they are now.
The position of the sun in the sky would also change. It would just have a seasonal motion up and down in the sky towards the south due to the orbit of the Earth and its axial tilt.
You would see the elevation of the Sun increase or decrease in the sky just as we now see the elevation of the Sun change from a single point on the Earth due to the Earth's daily rotation.
My newly found compass would be pretty useless as the magnetic field of the Earth is generated by a dynamo effect that involves its rotation. If the Earth stopped rotating, the magnetic field would no longer be regenerated and it would decay away to some low, residual value due to the very small component which is 'fossilized' in the iron rich rocks.
 There would be no more 'northern lights' and the Van Allen radiation belts would probably vanish, as would our protection from cosmic rays and other high-energy particles. Losing this protection would cause serious health issues, even more so than going for a few drinks on a mammoth pub crawl on a bank holiday Monday.
And so it is that we are all really thankful that the Earth is still spinning and we can read yet more drivel, as I wonder my way through life I have found that few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example and that anyone who works is a fool. I don't work - I merely inflict myself upon the public.
Peace out yall, THE BAGSTAXXX

Sunday, 6 May 2012

ipads, Earth and gathering clouds!!!

Good afternoon interweb, and a fine bright and sunny one it is as well, it would be a pretty perfect day had I not got to go to work in a few hours till one in the morning but hey ho.
I called to see my mother yesterday who is 73 years old, we have always had a childish tormenting kind of relationship, more like adolescent friends than mother and son and as I walked through the door she waved a brand spanking new ipad under my nose as if to say “see what Ive got that you have not”
My response of “mother your 73 what the hell are you going to do with and ipad” was met with quite rightly a lot of derisive comments.
I'm actually quite glad that she has it and is eager to learn all about this new technology stuff and am going to find her some classes to go to. Although at the back of my mind I can just see the BT add where the geek has his mother calling him up every two minutes.
In other news my stress levels are rising with builders in the house and all the associated mess and noise and our holiday at the end of the month can’t come soon enough for me.
It has also come to my super sensory senses that the planet is slowing down. Not at an alarming rate but it is slowing down.

The Earth is spinning at a little over 1000 mph at the equator and it is slowing down at a rate of 1000th of a second every day. Now this got me to thinking again which never ends well and usually leaves me with more questions than answers.
It is a fact that we now have a leap second every year and a half due to the Earth’s rotation slowing down.
All of this knowledge starts to hurt my brain you see if the Earth is slowing down that means it must have been going faster at some point. Ordinarily this would not be a problem if the planet was a mere  4.5 thousand years old but it isn’t is it. The Earth is around 4.5 billion years old which means that it must have been spinning pretty darn fast at some point.
In fact if we follow this to it’s natural conclusion the Earth would have been spinning so fast that the winds would have been around 5000 mph due to the Coriolis effect alone and the planet would have been flattened out by centrifugal forces which would leave poor old Darwin in a quandary of mammoth proportions (pun intended).
So you see interweb thinking often leaves more questions than answers so here is some drivel, My bounce-around life had taught me that dreams were dangerous things - they look solid in your mind, but you just try to reach for them. It's like gathering clouds and so the best you can manage is to love the ones you can. Touch the ones you can reach. Let the others go and always remember the more things change, the more they remain insane.
Peace out yall, THE BAGSTAXXX